


Burn the Map and Run

by Ziaira



Series: Burn the Map & Run Verse [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, Multi, POV Kenny Parson, bisexual!Kent, bisexual!jack, canon typical use/discussion of drugs and alcohol, discussion of homophobia biphobia and transphobia, discussion of mental health issues, nonbinary!Kent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21627061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziaira/pseuds/Ziaira
Summary: The thing about Kenny and love is that it's complicated, right up until it isn't.It takes a five year tension, a quiche, a trip, and a kiss, but they get there eventually.
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Kent "Parse" Parson, Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Kent "Parse" Parson/Jack Zimmermann, Kent "Parse" Parson/Jack Zimmermann
Series: Burn the Map & Run Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867195
Comments: 18
Kudos: 91
Collections: Polya Epifest 2019





	Burn the Map and Run

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stevie_RST](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stevie_RST/gifts).



> Thank you to our wonderful Mods for giving me the perfect incentive to get writing again, and for walking me through some of the steps to participate. Thank you as well to my lovely beta Madeline for both the editing and the cheer-leading which was equally appreciated. This was great fun to write and I hope speaks well to the prompt I received.

_Call me, you know I’m waiting by the phone, call me, when you gonna call me? Call me, you know I’m waiting waiting all alone..._

From: K Parson, kvp@gmail.com  
To: Jack Zimmermann, jlzimmermann@hotmail.com  
Date: Feb 7, 2010

Dear Zimms,

I know you aren’t going to write back. You haven’t yet and I don’t expect that to change. Hell, I might not even send this to you at all, it's just… I need to know if you’re doing okay. I heard you’re coaching some peewee kids now, and I can just imagine what a riot that must be. I’m betting you spend half your time trying to keep them all upright, nevermind following the puck.

I keep thinking, maybe I can still say the right thing to make you believe I mean it, that I’ve always meant it. 

I want you to be happy.

Love,  
Kenny

\- Monday, December 22, 2014 -

Kenny: Zimms. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about last night. I never should have said that about your team. I was just so angry that you seemed to have managed to write me out of your life and I can’t. I can’t. I love you. I still love you. You couldn’t hurt me like this otherwise.

_Delete ___

____

Kenny: I’m sorry, Zimms.  
Sent 3:46am

____

____

### 

____

_So lie to me tonight and pretend to the morning light and imagine that you are mine..._

____

____

It’s two months after Epikegster that Bitty DMs Kenny on Twitter. They’ve been liking and occasionally retweeting each others posts since that night but Kenny hasn’t really expected anything much to come of it. Honestly, Kenny’s been treating it a bit like exposure therapy. Hear about Zimms, without it tying them in knots and without the pressure of having to respond in any particular manner. It had, they thought, been going surprisingly well. Maybe that explained the utter rug-pulling feeling of the words staring back at them now.

____

@omgcheckplease: I saw the picture you posted of that poor quiche. I could walk you through a proper pastry over skype if you’d like?

____

Kenny’s still staring at the message, unsure of what they’re meant to do with it, when another one pops up.

____

@omgcheckplease: Only if you want though. I know you must be super busy and I’m sure it’s probably just fine really but I’m really good at pastry and I’m always happy to give some pointers

____

There’s a little shrug emoji at the end, awkwardness personified, and hell, it’s not like there was anything else on today’s agenda other than snuggle with Kit. A plan that was unlikely to end in anything other than bloodshed given she was currently peering disdainfully over the edge of the overpriced cat tree in the corner of the condo’s living room. 

____

@therealkvp: Would you?  
@therealkvp: You’re right. It was kind of sad.  
@therealkvp: Um, I have the same handle for Skype that I do here. You?

____

@omgcheckplease: Same. I just need to grab my laptop  
@omgcheckplease: 20?

____

@therealkvp: Sure.

____

Fetching their own laptop from the bedroom Kenny mentally reviews the contents of the kitchen. Probably okay. Certainly more than enough eggs. Glancing in the mirror of the closet door they pause before backtracking to set the laptop down on the bed and swap shirts. Whatever Bitty had, or hadn’t, thought he’d heard at Samwell, there was no way they were going to Skype wearing their late night, break up driven, wine fueled, online purchase.  
The hot pink crop top with it’s rainbow bedazzled lettering proclaiming “Queer as in Fuck You” was probably not the shirt for continuing their NHL facade of straightness.

____

A much more subdued black t-shirt in place, Kenny reclaimed the laptop and set it up on the counter. Booting up and opening Skype doesn’t take long, and soon a blank window’s up on the screen, just waiting for Bitty to start the call.

____

____

It’s a little over a month and a half since the quiche question when Kenny sees the message from Bitty while packing up after practice. Samwell had played Yale that night and so a text was to be expected, just not this one. 

____

Bitty: Can we talk? 

____

Kenny puts the phone on speaker through the car’s bluetooth and hits dial as soon as the engine is on. It rings almost to voicemail before Bitty picks up.

____

“Hey. How was practice?” His voice is strained and subdued, like he’s trying to be cheerful and failing.

____

“Alright. Carl tripped over the puck at one point and nearly wiped out entirely, so that was fun. You said you wanted to talk though, are you okay? How was the game?”

____

“Oh, well, we won.” 

____

“And? You sound pretty down if that’s all that happened.”

____

“I got checked in the third period- no injuries!” he hurries to add, “but, well, you know I don’t do well with checks, and the other guys either want to celebrate or went to bed already...”

____

“And you don’t want to be alone,” Kenny surmises.

____

“Yeah.” Bitty’s silent as the car pulls out of the driveway and Kenny tries to come up with a distraction.

____

“Do you want to watch something together? I’m pretty sure there’s a bunch of episodes of the Great British Bake Off on YouTube we could stream, if you’re interested.”

____

“That sounds nice,” Kenny can almost hear the attempt at a smile through the phone. 

____

The drive seems indeterminately long, and they’re about ready to vibrate out of their seat by the time they get to their apartment. They have at least managed to coax Bitty into giving a run down of the game, but the delivery was a far cry from his usual level of enthusiasm. 

____

“Alright, I’m home and pulling up videos. Speak now or I’m gonna send you a link and you're stuck with it.” Bitty lets out a small laugh, and Kenny already counts this as a success, even as they send him a link to a shortbread video.

____

Three hours later, Kenny is laughing so hard they’re crying. They’re not even sure what’s quite so funny about that pie pun other than Bitty seems exceedingly pleased with himself, when Bitty suddenly says, “It’s not just the football tackle.”

____

“Um, so, what are you…?”

____

“The thing with checking... It’s not just about that football practice as a kid. There was this night with the football team when I was in middle school and, um...” 

____

Kenny is suddenly very, very worried about where this is about to go.

____

“Bitty, you really don’t have to tell me unless you want to, and if you do, I’m just gonna listen.” There’s silence -well, just Bitty’s slightly faster breathing - on the line, and then,

____

“I was waiting for my dad after their practice. Sometimes I’d go straight home and sometimes I’d get him to drive me, and it was pouring rain that day so I waited to go home with him instead of getting soaked. A bunch of his players, including his star quarterback, cornered me near the locker room while he was talking to his assistant coach and, I’m small right? They were sayin’ all sorts of things, implying I was gay, and I almost thought… they ended up shoving me in a closet and locking the door. Janitor found me that night around 3am when he was doing his rounds before school.

____

My parents had been looking for me and, um, well Coach got most of the story out of me and we moved that summer, but it was honestly the most terrifying moment of my life not knowing how far they’d...

____

They didn’t ask though. My parents, I mean, they didn’t ask if I was gay. They never talked about it at all, or only about how I needed to stand up for myself and not let people push me around. Useless advice. I wasn’t worried about getting pushed around, I was worried about ending up dead.”

____

They sit in silence after that. Kenny waits to see if Bitty will continue. His breathing is jumpy, like he’s trying not to cry.

____

“You deserved to feel safe,” they say when it’s obvious Bitty’s reached the end of his story.

____

“A secret for a secret?” 

____

“Um, okay?” Bitty replies, hesitantly.

____

“I don’t talk to my mom anymore, not really. She, uh, absolutely lost it on me when I came out to her as bisexual during the Q. It didn’t get better with time or distance, so I stopped putting the effort in after my second year with the Aces. I went home for Christmas and she asked if I was spending any of my money on a ‘proper shrink to deal with whatever makes you think it’s okay to have sex with men’.”

____

“Holy shit. Seriously?!” Bitty’s outrage is reassuring in a way Kenny hadn’t expected.

____

“Yup,” they pop the ‘p’. “Dead serious, too. Needless to say, I uh, haven’t told her the other thing.” They pause, suddenly wondering if this is too big a risk, if Bitty is the right kind of safe for this conversation, before deciding to add, “I’m non-binary as well.”

____

“Oh. Huh.” 

____

“...is that okay?”

____

“Is that...? Honey, of course that’s...!” Bitty’s a rapid fire explosion of indignant reassurance, “You deserve to feel safe, too.”

____

They both sit in silence, Kenny a bit choked up and still able to hear the catch in Bitty’s breathing before Bitty speaks up again, hesitant and concerned.

____

“Have you ever told anyone else that before?”

____

“Not really. I mean, Jack knows I’m bi… and I told him once about being non-binary but it was late and we were drunk and he never really… I dunno, he never really acknowledged it after and I was always too scared and too worried about other things to ask again. And then the draft happened and, well, you know.

____

I knew I was bi before the Q and god, I was terrified about what that might mean. Slowly coming to the conclusion that I wasn’t exactly a boy while I was in Rimouski was an added layer of fear, especially since it seemed harder and more painful to navigate around. I’m not really a fan of being called ‘Mr Parson’ in interviews. The propensity for nicknames in hockey has always been a blessing, although after I stopped playing co-ed during the summer months it got more difficult to ignore all the yelling of ‘boys, you better hussel’ and that sort of thing.”

____

“Guess I probably shouldn’t be calling you Kent, then,” Bitty says slowly.

____

“You’ve mostly been using Parson or Parse which is fine but, um, if you wanna call me Kenny instead… I mean, we’re friends at this point, right?”

____

“Of course we are!”

____

Kenny does their best to ignore that little voice in the back of their head that says there’s something just a little bit off in Bitty’s delivery.

____

____

After that it’s as if the last barrier has fallen. There is an even bigger increase in their day to day texting, as well as what is fast becoming a weekly 2am confession session. 

____

The Aces get absolutely flattened playing Aneheim with Swoops out due to a minor concussion. Kenny knows it’s a bad idea from the beginning, but they still pop a beer open as soon as they’re out of the shower before shoving some leftover lasagna in the oven to heat. About halfway through the bottle they remember to fish their phone out of their dress pants. They unlock it to find three texts and two missed calls from Bitty.

____

There’s a moment where they strongly consider not answering. It’s quickly followed by a rush of shame at the idea of ghosting someone who’s seriously putting so much effort into making sure they’re okay.

____

Realizing there’s less than 10% battery left Kenny plugs the phone in to charge and retrieves the laptop from the coffee table. They set it up on the kitchen island before opening Skype and starting a video call. It only rings through once before Bitty’s relieved face fills the screen.

____

“Figured you might need a distraction, or at least some company over dinner,” he says from where he’s propped up against his headboard.

____

“I appreciate that. Although I’m not sure dinner’s up to your standards. I’m just reheating this lasagna from last week’s meal prep binge.” Bitty snorted and held up half a muffin.

____

“I’ve been working on this paper for the last three hours, I’m not exactly winning on the dinner front myself today.”

____

The oven timer beeps and they settle into a familiar banter as Kenny plates the lasagna and pulls over one of the bar stools. Bitty talks through the essay he’s working on (“Gen eds are going to be the death of me. I mean, honestly, when has anyone ever needed 12 pages on the imagery and metaphor in The Great Gatsby?”) and Kenny lets themself settle into a contented sort of lull as the beer starts to hit their system. 

____

“... and then Jack says that he can’t believe they even let Hendricks back on the ice after that hit, but I’m not surprised since they seem to have a habit of letting things slide with that team, and honestly I’d be more shocked if they’d held him back after they didn’t call the high sticking last time we played them. I mean if they wouldn’t-- you’re not even listening to me, are you?”

____

Kenny hums, then jolts upright, realizing what Bitty’s just said.

____

“Sorry, didn’t mean to zone out on you there. It’s just been a long week.”

____

“I can imagine. Should I let you go, then?”

____

“Nah, it’s fine. I’d rather listen to you talk. Just, um, maybe don’t expect too much in the way of answers tonight?” 

____

“Mmhmm.” Bitty shakes his head, lips pursed, before rolling his eyes. “Well, here’s a story that might actually keep your interest. The boys have been trying to set Jack up for Spring C, now that they’ve realized he’s not going with Camilla. They’ve got a spreadsheet of all the single, blonde, female athletes on campus and keep trying to get him to go through it, to the point that Holster and Ransom just ambush him with random questions in the hopes that he’ll give them enough info to narrow down the list. Shitty’s sort of running interference but also finds it entertaining, so he hasn’t totally shut it down, and I think Lardo is just generally questioning our intelligence, but no more than usual.”

____

Apparently there is just enough alcohol in their system, and just enough overall fatigue, that the first words out of their mouth are spoken in a tone that is perhaps a hair too raw, “I wish I was there to see that.”

____

Bitty blinks slowly before smiling wanely. “Would you rather I not talk about him?”

____

“No, no, it’s alright. I’d rather hear about it than not, I just wish I was hearing it from him, you know?” Kenny shrugs and sighs.

____

“You were really, ah, close, weren’t you?” 

____

“Yeah.” Kenny swallows, “Yeah, we were certainly close. I mean…” they trail off before deciding, fuck it, “I miss him. More than anything. I wish he could be, just a friend even, that’d be more than enough.” Kenny swallows again, biting their lip. “I know things aren’t going to go back to the way they were, I know that. It probably wouldn’t be great if they did, considering, and as much as I still lo- As much as I miss being an ‘us’. I’d take sporadic exchanges of chirps and Snapchats over what we have now, with all the intermittent midnight texts and morning ghosting.” 

____

“Oh,” Bitty looks sad and a bit guilty, like he’s realized something important and slightly terrible. “That sounds awful.”

____

Kenny smiles wanly, “It has been. I can’t say I’ve always handled it the best though, and that’s on me. I mean, I know you heard me in December. I’m not always the nicest person.”

____

“No one is,” Bitty shrugs, “And yeah, I judged you something terrible for that, for a bit. I could see how bad you made Jack feel, but I also remembered what Shitty had told me earlier in the evening, about your last visit. Plus you were interacting with my tweets, and when I checked in with Jack after winter break he said you both owed each other apologies… and I guess I stopped thinking of you as this one dimensional asshole, even before we started Skyping. I mean, sad quiche aside, I wouldn’t have messaged you if I didn't think you were actually a decent person.” 

____

“Decent, huh?” Kenny’s smile turns up a bit around the edges, “I’m glad. You’re pretty decent yourself, Bittle.”

____

____

The early morning sunshine is glinting off the rearview mirror as Kenny throws the last of their bags into the trunk, slamming it closed as they step back. Settling into the driver’s seat, they plug their phone into the USB port and start up the road trip playlist before easing the vehicle out of the driveway. Three weeks to get to Boston and back to Vegas before settling in again for training camp. The only thing actually in the schedule is the mid-trip dinner with Bitty, everything else is dependent on traffic and weather and whatever strikes their fancy, which is as terrifying as it is exhilarating. For the first time in years they have something to look forward to and the freedom to get there at their own pace.

____

Katy Perry switches over to Safetysuit as they make the transition to the I-15, “We can go where we want to, nobody gonna tell us no,” kicking in as they shift gears, laughing.

____

Yeah, this might be exactly what they need.

____

____

They stop when they hit the bottom of Lake Erie, stepping out of the vehicle and heading down to the shoreline. Being so close to the Canadian border is dredging up all sorts of old emotions but, rather than push them off or stew in them, for the first time since that disastrous Epikegster, Kenny lets it properly roll through, matching their breath to the wind-pushed waves. 

____

It’s Zimms, and the Memorial Cup, and waiting for phone calls that weren’t ever coming, and all the words that spilled out in the pain of being left behind, and how Zimms probably felt just as abandoned, and then a sliver of affection for the sunshine baker who has spent so much time with them both. 

____

They get back into the car when their tears have dried in the wind, feeling lighter. Pulling out of the parking lot they shift course, setting the GPS to mark a route to Montreal. 

____

Time for a different sort of apology.

____

____

Gravel crunches under the tires as they pull into the driveway of what could best be described as a modest mansion. Between the salary of a professional hockey player and that of a professional model, there was bound to be a slight inclination for the ostentatious. Not that either Bob or Alicia, and certainly not Jack, had ever used that wealth to make Kenny feel uncomfortable. Considering the way they had grown up, a little discomfort was also unavoidable.

____

Once the car is in park and turned off, they stay in their seat for a moment, suddenly second-guessing their decision to come here. No. They’re doing this.  
Belt off, door open, out and up and knocking in one quick burst so they don’t lose their nerve. And then stuck waiting for some sort of movement inside the house. It seems like an eternity before the door opens to the surprised yet smiling face of Alicia Zimmermann.

____

“Kent! I didn’t realize you were coming by.” She pulls them into a hug, before adding, “Jack certainly never mentioned.”

____

“Ah, he wouldn’t have. I was just in the area and thought I should at least drop in and say hi to you and Bob, it’s been so long.”

____

“Well, come in.” She sheppards them into the foyer, closing the door behind her. “Bob and Jack are just in the living room at the moment but we were about to sit down for dinner. You’re certainly welcome to join us. Unless you have other plans?” She turns towards Kenny at that, where they’ve suddenly stalled out in the hallway.

____

“Jack’s here?” Alicia’s eyes widen slightly at the uptick in pitch and what is probably a panicked look on their face.

____

“Oh, you really are just here for Bob and I, aren’t you?” Kenny shrugs noncommittally, sure their face is doing something interesting. Jack was supposed to be in Providence, not Montreal. This was supposed to be about Bob’s emails and Alicia’s calls, all the things that they never apologized for, and what was left unsaid when they tried to explain to them that Jack needed help, that -- to be perfectly honest -- they both needed help. 

____

This was supposed to be when they got to talk about being queer in the NHL, and about being nonbinary: the talk you have with your parents, or the closest to parents with things with their mother being as strained as they are. 

____

Jack wasn’t supposed to be here.

____

“I…” Alicia looks more worried by the moment and suddenly it’s all too much. Even when they created that buffer between Jack and themself, they never cut off contact entirely like they could have, had never left Kenny without someone to talk to. They had played an important part in Kenny’s survival that first year with the Aces, even while navigating Jack’s rehab and subsequent return to hockey. 

____

“...You…” Kenny pulls her back into a hug and bursts into tears, as Alicia lets out a startled “Oh!” before wrapping her arms more tightly around their torso.

____

“Alicia, is there someone at the--” Bob cuts off abruptly as he rounds the corner to a shaking, sobbing Kenny and his wife running a soothing hand up and down their back. Kenny hiccups, pulling back and rubbing at their eyes with the sleeve of their flannel shirt. 

____

“Um, hi Bob,” a soft sniffle, “That really wasn’t what I had planned on doing, coming here. I really just wanted to see you guys and uh, apologize? About a few things and, um, tell you a couple other things that you might’ve, um, maybe figured out, but also maybe not. And, shit, this was probably sort of a terrible idea but it seemed like a really good one when I got to Lake Erie, and I just thought that it was about time we actually maybe properly talked about this stuff and um, yeah.” Kenny cuts off abruptly, arms wrapped around their torso like they can hold themself together if they squeeze tight enough.

____

“Ah, mon fils. You’re staying for dinner, and we can talk about whatever it is you need to talk about, but somehow I doubt you have anything to apologize for.” Bob is, not so surprisingly, calm in the face of the emotional outburst that has just occured in his entryway.

____

“Even if I lied to you both?” There’s a bit of grief, and a bit of desperation, and a lot of hope for absolution in their voice.

____

“Suppose that depends what about,” he sighs, “But somehow I still don’t think that will be the case.”

____

“Papa? Ou est ici?” Jack rounds the corner and stops short, staring. Kenny waves weakly.

____

“Er, hey Zimms. Thought you were in Providence, not Montreal.”

____

____

Alicia insists they sit down and eat a bit first before getting into any conversation. Kenny doesn’t argue, still feeling off-kilter. Bob and her chatter about various philanthropic events and projects while Jack is… Jack. He keeps staring at Kenny like he doesn’t know what to do with them and it’s starting to itch.

____

“So,” Kenny sets their fork down after a solid 30 minutes of chitchat and pasta primavera, “I did actually have a reason for turning up here. I know I said I had some things to apologize for, and I still plan on doing so, but that’s only part of it.” A deep breath, in and out slowly, as Bob and Alicia look on concerned, and even Jack’s brow starts to furrow.

____

“I need to work out the specifics with management, but there’s been some talk already and, well, what I’m trying to say is, I’m planning on coming out.” 

____

Funny, almost, the way shock looks about the same on all three Zimmermanns. Kenny swallows again and then, well, in for a penny, in for a pound, right?

____

“I’m bisexual. And nonbinary.”

____

Silence.

____

The scraping of Jack’s chair across the floor as he stands abruptly and storms out sounds like an explosion.

____

Right. 

____

What, exactly, had they expected, anyway? Christ.

____

Silence.

____

Alicia excuses herself from the table softly before following Jack and leaving just Bob at the dining room table. 

____

“I don’t mean this season. I wouldn’t do that to Jack off the bat, god knows how the press’d go after him, I just wanted to get it out there that I’m going to, so you guys have time to figure out how you want to handle things PR-wise and all that.” It all comes out a bit rushed but Kenny wants, no, _needs_ , for Bob to believe them, that giving Jack more trouble is the last thing that they want to have happen, that they’ve thought this through.

____

“You’re serious about this, aren’t you?” Bob smiles wryly, then adds, “About coming out publicly, not the other stuff. I trust you know that.”

____

Kenny lets out a breath it feels like they’ve been holding since things started to shift with Zimms in Rimouski.

____

“Yeah. I am. Management has promised it won’t cost me the C and, well, if I was binary trans or wanted to medically transition maybe that’d make more of a difference in how they handle things, but in this case it seems like they’re generally more concerned about optics than my ability to play or continue being in the locker room. And they certainly appreciate that having the first openly queer active player in the NHL, and a captain, is going to look really good from a PR perspective in a lot of circles. Probably going to be less fun for the same reasons dealing with other groups but, honestly, it’s got to be someone, sometime… and I’m tired. I’m just so tired of having to watch everything I do, or having to lie all the time, and essentially having my very existence denied constantly.”

____

Bob’s smile drops a bit at the last bit, a pained look flashing across his face.

____

“You said nonbinary. Suppose I shouldn’t be calling you ‘him’, eh? I know some of the people Alicia volunteers with use ‘they’ or, ‘zie’? I think it was?”

____

“They/them,” Kenny sighs. “I’m definitely not a boy, and figure I’m not a girl, so kinda in between or both at the same time? It’s not really a fixed thing for me. Just, not a boy, so...” They shrug. 

____

The two of them settle into silence, both picking their way through the food remaining on their plates. 

____

Alicia comes back nearly half an hour later, Jack nowhere to be seen. Kenny opens their mouth to say something when there is the pounding of footsteps down the stairs followed by the thump click of the front door. Probably off for a run then. Some things haven’t changed after all. 

____

It seems Alicia has caught their thought process because she smiles slightly before, “Figured a run would clear his head.”

____

“I guessed.” Kenny swallows, “Are you…?” They let the sentence trail off, not entirely sure what they’re asking. Is Alicia okay with this? Is she surprised? Does she think Kenny should have tried to ease Jack into the conversation more?

____

“I’m glad you trusted us with this and,” her face pinches a little, “I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t before. Not that that’s on you,” she’s quick to add. “We should have been more proactive about reassuring you on that count, particularly with you and Jack…” Now it’s her turn to trail off, obviously thinking hard about what she wants to say next, glancing over to Bob as she does so. He picks up the thread instead.

____

“We didn’t want you to feel pressured to say anything, or that you had to come to a conclusion and put a label on it, and if it turned out that this was just a blip and never came up again we didn’t want to encourage any rumours that might have been problematic down the road. Which I suppose doesn’t sound so great put that way, but you were both still kids really, we didn’t want you forced out prematurely.”

____

It’s nothing Kenny hasn’t considered, but hearing it leaves a regretfully sour taste in their mouth. Setting their fork down and folding their napkin, Kenny makes to stand.

____

“Thank you for having me for dinner. There’s still some other things I’d like to talk about, like I said, but I should probably head out if I’m going to find a hotel for the night. We could meet tomorrow, brunch maybe, if you want? I need to be on the road by the next morning at the latest though, I’ve got an appointment in Boston.”

____

“Oh, are you not going to stay here tonight?” Bob raises an eyebrow at Alicia’s question.

____

“I didn’t... Is that a good idea? I don’t want to impose and, well, Jack. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable in his own house and all.”

____

“I think my son will survive if you spend a night or two in one of the guest rooms, expected or not.” Alicia’s delivery is surprisingly icy and Kenny wonders what the hell Zimms had said earlier. Well, yeah, maybe best not to test her patience then.

____

“If you’re sure, then,” they concede. “It would be nice to avoid all the extra driving.”

____

“Then that’s settled. I’ll get the sheets turned down. No, you both stay where you are. You look about ready to drop Kent. Oh!” Her eyes widen, “I never even asked, is that okay? I mean--”

____

“Kenny is good,” They cut her off before things can derail. “Kent is… complicated. Kenny is good. And Bob asked earlier about pronouns so, uh, they/them.”

____

“Thank you, Kenny.” Her delivery is soft and sincere as she smiles, and something twists in their chest as they’re hit once again with the realization that their own mother is never going to treat them even a fraction as well.

____

Hopefully Alicia will be quick about those sheets. They don’t really want to cry in front of her twice in one day, if they can help it.

____

____

Kenny slips quietly down the stairs just before dawn the next morning, sneakers in hand. The spare key is hanging by the door, same as it was when they visited during the Q, and they slip it in their pocket once they’ve laced up, before heading outside. There’s a well-worn path that winds around the property, maintained not just by Jack but also still used by the elder Zimmermanns as well, even if Bob only hits the ice for charity and pick-up games with his old teammates and Alicia only models sporadically due her to philanthropic work.

____

They stop to stretch twenty minutes into their run near an opening in the trees, where a side path leads down to the small lake bordering the property. Remembering how nice the sunrise had always looked from there, Kenny decides on a detour, stopping abruptly as they hit the shoreline. 

____

Zimms has his headphones in, perched on a fallen tree and silhouetted against the water. Kenny is frozen, torn between not wanting to intrude and wanting to say everything. They want to burn this image into their brain, just like every other time they’ve stared across at Zimms haloed by the rising sun and ask, yet again, for answers. How he could put a match to everything they’d ever been, torching every scrap of Kenny’s heart like it had never meant anything to him at all?

____

It’s probably no longer than a handful of seconds, even if it feels like an eternity, before Kenny takes a step back, eyes still glued to Zimms’ profile, hoping to slip away without being noticed. Jack turns abruptly at the crunch of a branch underfoot and Kenny flinches, cursing, before giving it up as a lost cause and just staying in place, waiting.

____

Zimms opens his mouth, then closes it again, as if deciding against whatever he was going to say. They stay there, staring, as the sun continues to work its way up, before he shifts down the log, squishes himself up against one of the sharp looking branches and leaves a flat spot just barely wide enough for Kenny to squeeze into, before turning back to look out over the water. Kenny swears they stop breathing for a moment before slowly crossing over, waiting for him to move and change his mind. 

____

He doesn’t. 

____

Kenny sits down, Jack radiating warmth on one side and a broken branch poking into their thigh on the other.

____

He still doesn’t move. Doesn’t talk.

____

The sun slips higher as the wind picks up. Kenny shivers. They hadn’t really dressed for staying still. Jack shifts and Kenny freezes in place, afraid that whatever truce they struck has been breached by the movement. They swear that their heart stops as Jack slides an arm around their back, tucking them up against his side and twisting slightly to shield them from the breeze.

____

They stay like that as the sun finishes breaching the horizon, staring out across the water. Kenny’s still mostly afraid to move, but relaxes incrementally as the light progresses, instinctually. Jack’s hand shifts just as slowly until it’s resting on their belly as they’ve been rearranged, back flat against his chest. 

____

“I’m not angry.” 

____

Kenny starts abruptly as his voice breaks the silence, barely audible over the wind and water. 

____

“I’m not angry,” Jack’s a little louder now, “Upset with myself, yes. Hurt, too. Not sure that’s entirely on you either though.”

____

“I’m sorry,” Jack makes a noise like he’s going to cut them off and Kenny shakes their head, continuing. “I am. I’m sorry for what I said at Epikegster. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed after the draft and that I let my hurt lead me to lash out at you. It wasn’t fair what you said to me, about getting everything you wanted and rubbing it in your face. I still can’t believe some of the things you said to me, or how you just cut me off like you did, but that doesn’t excuse my own actions or undo the fact that I was just as cruel back to you.”

____

“You’re right.” Jack sighs before continuing, "It wasn’t fair, and maybe I needed the space, needed to have some distance when you reminded me of all the things I didn’t think I was getting back, but that was never about you not being there for me. That wasn’t on you. I’m sorry, too. I should have said that ages ago. Just didn’t know how to say it and have you believe me.”

____

“Zimms.” It’s a choked exhale as they turn, wrapping their arms tight around his waist, face pressed into the crook of his shoulder, tears threatening. Jack’s hands slide up, one pressing in the centre of their back, the other cupping their neck, as he pulls them in even closer.

____

“You’re not going to do this alone Kenny. You’ve still got me on your line when it matters.”

____

Kenny hiccups and doesn’t bother trying to stop the flow of tears that follow. 

____

If they feel an answering dampness in their hair a few minutes later, neither they nor Jack acknowledge it.

____

____

Breakfast is a far cry from dinner the night before. There’s still a lot they need to talk out with Zimms, but the tension and uncertainty that underscored their interactions for the last five years has dissipated. Bob and Alicia notice immediately, and Alicia’s self-satisfied grin when they entered the kitchen together really makes them wonder what she had said to Jack before coming back to the table last night. Bob is subtler in his reaction, although his relief is still palatable. 

____

Bitty responds to Kenny’s earlier text of _accidentally talked to Zimms. Things might be ok?! will ttyl._ with _!! omg call me :D_ as they finish eating. Thinking about Bitty though means they are a bit distracted when Bob puts his fork down and clears his throat, getting Kenny to look up. Jack’s disappeared without them realizing and Bob looks surprisingly serious.

____

“You said yesterday that there were some other things you wanted to speak to Alicia and I about. Did you want to talk about that now or later?”

____

“Oh… uh, now I guess.” They hesitate a bit before continuing, ”I knew things were bad with Jack and the meds, and the drinking, too. I’ve always felt I did a poor job of communicating that, when I asked you about what and how much he was supposed to be taking; I wasn’t asking you because I was looking for reassurance that the doctors knew what they were doing. I was trying to tell you that things weren’t working, without getting Zimms in trouble. I’ve, um, talked through a lot of it now with my own therapist, but I blamed myself for his OD for quite a while, thinking that I’d failed him.”

____

Alicia opens her mouth before Bob stills her with a hand to her arm, smiling reassuringly, if a bit pained. Kenny swallows and continues.

____

“In retrospect, I wasn’t doing so well myself. I spent so much time leading up to the draft trying to reassure him, to counteract all the outside pressures trying to pit us against each other, all while trying to stay in the closet and perform the way people wanted me to, that it nearly burned me out. Zimms wasn’t the only one breaking down and sobbing in bathrooms. I just made sure no one saw me do it. Not even him.  
That’s not the apology part though, although it's part of it. I wanted to apologize for not explicitly outlining my concerns before his OD. And for blaming you for not getting him proper help. You couldn’t know things weren’t working because we didn’t tell you, and we were actively trying to make sure you didn’t notice most of the time. I was angry with you for what happened after though, for cutting me off from Zimms, even if you still stayed in contact with me. You did a lot to help me survive my first year with the Aces, and even at my angriest I’ve always been thankful for that, but it was hard to reconcile that with the gatekeeping you exhibited between us. It didn’t help that he was abrasive and dismissive when I did reach out. I know that’s on him, but it was easy to blame you both for that distance, too.”

____

There’s silence for a long moment and Kenny can see the gears turning in Bob’s head as he gathers his thoughts. Alicia is looking a bit shocked and teary eyed, napkin twisting in her hands.

____

“You’re right. We did try and put some distance between the two of you. You both needed to focus on your own concerns and we didn’t want either of you sacrificing your health or future because of the other.” Kenny blinks, staring at Bob. They hadn’t expected him to be quite so blunt.

____

“Given everything you’d already dealt with, and what you’ve said now, perhaps we should have given you the benefit of being honest with you about our own concerns instead of assuming you’d push back simply because you were teenagers with adults trying to tell you what to do.”

____

“You have to understand that we were worried, Kenny,” Alicia adds, still twisting her napkin. “You were both under so much pressure still, to perform well. We wanted you to look after yourselves, to lean on us or the adults in your life, and not be dependent on each other.”

____

“I wish,” and Kenny wishes their voice didn’t sound quite so shaky, “that you had had the courtesy to say that from the beginning. However, I appreciate you having the respect to be truthful about it now.” 

____

It feels like they should say something else but their chest is suddenly tight and they can feel the rising sense of dread that preempts a panic attack.

____

“Excuse me.” They stand as abruptly as they can, limbs becoming uncooperative, and make a hasty retreat to the guest room. Alicia’s worried voice follows them down the hall as they lock the door and sink to the floor, head between their knees. 

____

There’s a knock and the sound of some sort of inquiry, but they’re too busy focusing on controlling their breathing to attempt to pick out words, and their throat has seized up, making answering impossible. 

____

In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four.

____

In, two, three, four…

____

_Bzzz. Bzzz._

____

They reach for their phone with a shaky hand, a life line as their breathing moves in and out of their control.

____

It’s Bitty.

____

_Can’t remember if you said you were leaving today or first thing tomorrow. Either way, safe travels, Kenny. Looking forward to hearing about everything when I see you!_

____

It takes a moment before Kenny realizes they’re crying. 

____

It’s just like Bitty to check in with them like that. Just a little note that shows he cares. Perhaps it’s the juxtaposition with the conversation that has just occured, or maybe it’s the emotional turmoil of a panic attack, that has them sobbing quietly at such a little gesture, but it feels bigger. Feels like Zimm’s agreeing to split a milkshake after a bad game, or to slipping out after curfew to wander along the shore of the St. Lawrence. Feels like...

____

Oh.

____

A soggy sort of laugh slips out, and Kenny thinks dazedly of being hit by a freight train.

____

They’re in love with Bitty.

____

____

They don’t stay for dinner, getting to Boston suddenly unbearably important. Zimms takes the somewhat abrupt departure in stride, saying goodbye with a tight hug and “We’ll text, yeah?” Alicia and Bob are a bit less at ease, likely connecting it to the abrupt exit from their last conversation. Kenny wants to reassure them that isn’t the case, but lying to themself is something they’re trying to avoid these days, and it would be a lie to say that isn’t a partial catalyst.

____

The drive itself is uneventful, barring signing a couple autographs crossing back into the USA. They stop part way through Vermont to let Bitty know when they should arrive in the city and Bitty texts just as Kenny pulls into a gas station on the outskirts of Boston. He just finished an afternoon shift at the bakery and coffee shop he’s been working at while he stays with Shitty and the others for most of the summer.

____

_Can’t wait to see you! :D_

____

Kenny fires back a quick reply before pulling back onto the street. 

____

_Me too. I’ll find parking and meet you at your place after I check into the hotel. :)_

____

Despite a quick check-in it’s still nearly an hour later before Kenny is knocking on the door of Haus 2.0, as Bitty has laughingly referred to it.

____

“Kenny!” They’re pulled into a tight hug almost as soon as the door opens. It’s a first, which Bitty seems to realize a second later as he pulls away. Kenny comes to their senses and squeezes him in return before letting him actually step back.

____

“Hey.” Bitty’s flustered yet grinning and they feel that tell tale swoop in their gut as he runs a hand through his hair. 

____

“Hey,” Kenny says, laughing a bit as they do.

____

“So, there’s this Italian place I’ve been meaning to check out…”

____

____

_Words unspoken disappearing in the air… so this is what it feels like being at the right place at the right time, I’m hanging on for dear life, hoping we can make this a long night..._

____

__

____

__

____

____

It’s nearly midnight and Kenny is slumped comfortably against the back of the booth, their strawberry milkshake half gone as they watch Bitty basically vibrate in his seat across the table. He’s been getting more and more keyed up as the evening progresses, constantly shooting Kenny looks when he thinks they won’t notice, and it’s getting harder and harder to ignore that the Samwell student is nervous. Kenny’s nervous too, not sure what to think of his actions, or the Samwell zip hoodie currently keeping them warm. He’s been alternating between being entirely hands-off while keeping a good two-foot distance, and steering Kenny with a hand to the small of their back or wrapping them up in that hoodie when their own jacket had got covered in some highly apologetic person’s coffee. 

____

They’re almost completely isolated back here, and it gives them the courage to reach across the table and catch one of Eric’s hands where his fingers are drumming against the wood, causing him to freeze up and stare like a deer in headlights. Kenny gives his fingers a reassuring squeeze, takes a quick glance around the room, then leans forward to hesitantly whisper, “Is this a date?”

____

The silence that follows is deafening and Kenny swears for a moment this might be just as terrible as standing in Zimms’ Samwell dorm as the French-Canadian laid out all the reasons he never wanted to see Kenny again, that whatever they’d been was just a byproduct of proximity and curiosity, and that he’d never considered them to be boyfriends.

____

They’re about half a breath away from just getting up and leaving before they can burst into tears (again, god, what is this week even) when Bitty nods, twisting his hand to squeeze Kenny’s fingers in return before letting out a strangled laugh, lips lifting into a faint smile.

____

“Yeah. Or, well, I was hoping it would be.” 

____

Kenny’s pretty sure they’re going to hurt themself smiling back. 

____

“Me too.”

____

____

Kenny makes it back for training camp and then Bitty is back at Samwell and it gets harder to talk as often as they did over the summer. There’s an increase in conversation after their first date and their all too brief time together in Boston, but a swift decrease once they’re back on the ice. They make it work though, and they still talk to each other more than the two of them talk to Zimms combined.

____

But they are talking to Zimms. Little things like snapshots out of hotel rooms and of teammates start to fill up Kenny’s phone alongside anecdotes about his new team. It’s not daily but it’s easy, and when the Aces meet Providence on their home ice just after the pre-season they’re truly looking forward to seeing him in person for the first time since Montreal.

____

Bitty’s in the middle of a roady so he isn’t around to help ease the residual post-game tension as they drive back to Zimm’s condo. Kenny’d waved off the invite for consolation drinks with the guys, promising Swoops he’d text if they weren’t coming back to the hotel room later, before accepting Zimms’ offer of a lift rather than taking an Uber to his place. 

____

It’s not the aftermath of the game that’s humming under their skin though when Zimms crowds them up against the closed condo door, keys dropped carelessly to the floor.

____

Kenny pulls back from Zimms, lips tingling and eyes wide in shock. Jack’s face crumples as he takes in their expression, hands dropping from Kenny’s shoulders like they burn.

____

“Do you not want...? I thought that was what you’ve been looking to have happen since Montreal?” They’re confused and stunned, and Zimms looks like he’s torn between bewilderment and hurt.

____

“Call Bitty.” It’s the only thing they can think to say.

____

“What?” Jack stops dead, like every other thought has just been wiped from his head.

____

“You need to call Bitty,” They swallow. “Or I can, but you can’t think about kissing me again until that happens.”

____

“I, Kenny, I don’t understand.”

____

“Please.” They can’t figure out how to verbalize it, that they and Bitty have been dating since Boston, that Kenny knows that Jack’s absolutely gone on his former Samwell teammate and that Bitty likes him just as much and had been pretty disappointed in the 4th of July conversation disavowing that graduation frat house kiss. 

____

They aren’t going to let go of what good they’ve managed to somehow find in their life but if Jack’s willing… It hits again just how still in love with Zimms they are, how much they want him to go back to being a permanent fixture in their life. It’s just... Bitty matters now, too.

____

Jack stares and then moves slowly for his phone, like whatever Kenny’s face is doing right now has convinced him of the seriousness of their request. The sound of the call ringing through seems abnormally loud in the small hotel room and they can’t decide if they want Bitty to pick up or not.

____

He does though, just before his voicemail would kick in, answering with a surprised, yet happy, “Hey Jack! I wasn’t expecting to hear from you tonight. Great game! We watched it when we got back to our hotel.”

____

“Kenny said to call you.” Jack says, straightforward as ever, if a bit confused, staring at the phone like he can convince Bitty to make sense of this for him.

____

“They did?” Bitty says and Kenny is sure his face must be pretty entertaining right now but all they can think to do is croke out three words and hope it all ends up okay.

____

“Zimms kissed me.”

____

Silence from the other end of the phone, and Jack’s eyebrows somewhere around his hairline, are the immediate reactions. 

____

“Okay. I appreciate you telling me,” Bitty says slowly. A pause, and then, “Do you want to keep kissing him?”

____

Kenny swallows nervously, closing their eyes before answering shakily, “Yeah. But not if it means I don’t get to kiss you anymore.”

____

There’s a hissed sort of inhale and Kenny looks back at Zimms, who’s suddenly wide-eyed and a bit pale.

____

“Right,” Bitty’s a bit shaky himself now. “That’s not… Jack, is that going to be a problem for you? I… I don’t think it’s a problem for me.”

____

“Oh.” Jack sits down hard on the end of the bed, gaze switching between Kenny and the phone, like he can somehow will Bitty into physical existence here. “You’re together?”

____

Kenny nods. “Yeah. Since Boston.”

____

“Oh,” Zimms says again like he doesn’t know what else to do, still switching his gaze between Kenny and the phone.

____

“Skype!”

____

“Er, what?” Kenny blinks.

____

“Skype,” Bitty says again, less sharply pitched. “We should be on Skype. No one else is in my room right now so it’s fine.”

____

“Do… do you... want to… watch?” Zimms bites it out slowly, like he’s thinking it through as he says it and Kenny burns red at the thought. Oh god. Bitty watching them and Zimms? Oh. God. Please. 

____

“Kenny?” Bitty sounds a bit amused, and they mentally rewind the last few moments to realize they didn’t just flush but squeaked a bit and oh, that’d be more embarrassing only Zimms has a look in his eyes that Kenny hasn’t seen in years. Huh, maybe they’re not the only one who thinks that sounds like a fabulous idea after all.

____

“Yeah,” it comes out a bit strangled and they have to clear their throat before continuing, “You’ve got your laptop here, right, Zimms?”

____

It takes a bit of maneuvering to get the computer arranged so that they can sit and both be in frame and also not be required to speak too loudly in order to be picked up by the mic. Bitty looks a bit flushed himself when he comes into view and suddenly Kenny has no idea what to do next, wishing strongly that Bitty was is the room and not on the other side of a camera.

____

“Hey, Bittle.” Zimms says and Kenny nearly laughs at the ridiculousness of it all, only it seems like he’s run out of initiative and laughing feels like it would be borderline cruel. Bitty’s got a hungry look of his own, but he seems as nervous as Zimms now, and maybe it’s up to them to move this forward. With a last glance at Bitty, and finding the reassurance they’re looking for, they turn towards Zimms, reaching up to cup his jaw before leaning in to press their lips together.

____

The breathy sort of gasp Bitty lets out is just barely audible as they make contact, Zimms leaning into them, hand sliding under their shirt over their hip. When they pull back to gauge reactions, Zimms smiles softly and tucks Kenny’s hair back behind their ear while Bitty’s pink in the cheeks, pupils blown and expression soft around the edges. They’re feeling the good kind of buzzy now and it’s easy to lean back in, kissing Zimms again.

____

There’s going to be an actual conversation later, something about parameters and expectations and communication, but right now… 

____

Right now Kenny is in love and this time it doesn’t hurt.

____


End file.
